Sometimes your life changes, and you stop and look around and can't figure out how you ever looked at the world any differently than you do now, after the change that is. I guess that is where I am now. I can't say that this is the first time I've found myself in this position. After having my first son, I've never really looked at life through the same set of eyes. This past week, however, I've found myself questioning literally everything I've ever believed in.
First of all, I've never been so angry in all of my years. I don't know what we are supposed to gain from our loss. I don't understand the purpose in taking a life so vibrant and full of color. I can't comprehend how God could punish people who are so undeserving of punishment. Through my tears, I have been screaming at the sky..."what is your purpose for this?" and "how could you?"
I've never watched someone die before. I remember when my Grandpa Jack passed, going to visit him at his home hospice. But I didn't really understand that he was actually dying. He was very delirious, and of course looked sick (he was in his mid-70's when he passed,) but I guess I just didn't understand how close he was to death. When my grandpa Burking died (at 88,) I had expected And besides, you always expect to have to bury your grandparents. I guess since we got the news on Tuesday, I knew what ultimately what would have to happen. I convinced myself otherwise, which made the whole scenario worse, because I realized in the end that I was not being realistic at all. I think it just was hard for me to process...I kept thinking 'this is not happening, this is not happening, this is a terrible dream, and you will wake up, and she'll be there laughing and smiling like usual'. Well she's not here. She's gone.
Morgan Emberton Keys was one-of-a-kind. She was one of those girls that other girls wished they had the balls to be like. She always spoke her mind - regardless of the consequence, she carried herself with such confidence - knowing all the while that people were staring. Morgan had bright blue eyes that flashed against her fair skin and jet black hair. She was covered head-to-toe (literally) in tattoos. Even as I kept her vigil in the hospital, I noticed a tattoo I'd never seen before. Two small, simple dots on the inside of her ear - markings that she wore to match the markings on the inside of her ferret 'Stinky's' ear, a marking used to identify the animals when they are being raised for sale. And yes, Morgan had tattoos on each of her toes; an 'L' on her left foot's big toe and an 'R' on her right foot's big toe, because Morgan had trouble mastering her directions - although she could point you north, south, east or west with ease. She's who I would call for driving directions - every time.
Aside from her brightley covered arms with tattoos of various things; a 4-leaf-clover with a banner reading "Mom", a sailor jerry's vessel with massive sails, a huge purple, a purple and green unicorn. Her knuckles bore the names of her beautiful daughters "EMMA" on one hand and "ZOE" on the other. Perhaps her most note-worthy tattoo covering her entire chest was an anatomical heart - an incredible peice that looked so realistic and was done with such fine detail, that you'd swear it was beating right there on her chest. She was also by far the most jewlery adorned person I've ever known. A huge gage in each of her ears, her tounge, the bridge of her nose, a ring in her septum, etc. etc. etc. The hospital bagged these items for us to save, and you could probably use the bag containing the metal that came from her skin as a weapon - it literally weighs that much.
Morgan never gave a shit what people thought of her - that's one thing I've learned from her. I need to care so much less. She wore what she wanted, she talked how she wanted to, she said what she felt, she was confident in herself, and she never seemed to have any true regrets.
She was one of the most loving people I've ever known. Her daughters admired her, and doted on everything she did. Morgan adored her family and would have given anything for them. Her baby brother was her whole world. The sun rose and set on Doc Christopher, and she made sure he knew that she felt that way. Her parents always knew she loved them - she made it crystal clear. She called Stephen, her boyfriend, her soulmate. He really was the love her her life. Her nephews were spoiled rotten by her. Every one of them would light up when she came into a room.
I never got the chance to tell Morgan what I thought of her. That is something that I will always regret. I looked up to her. She was the closest thing I've ever had to a big sister...I never told her that - and I hate myself for it. No matter what, she was there for me. She always gave me the best advice. I remember once when Doc and I were fighting and she called me. He was in the shower and I was in the bedroom whispering on the phone with her - telling her what was going on. She pleaded with me, "please don't ever give up on him Lindsay, he's never loved someone like he does you - it will destroy him." She told me that she knows he can be difficult at times, and she can understand where I'm coming from, but to just stay by his side. I promise you I will, Morgan. I know Morgan's oldest daughter, Emma looks up to me. It is in a very adorable 'little girl aspiring to be as cool as her aunt' kind of way...I definitely don't see myself as "cool" of all things, but hey, I'll take it. It's nice to be admired. I wish I would have told Morgan how much I look up to her in somewhat of the same way. I guess I didn't because its embarassing to tell a 30-year-old woman that you, a 25-year-old, thinks she's the coolest...but I really did.
I did tell her some things however, while she laid in a stupid hospital bed, fighting for her life. Some of her friends and family members swore she couldn't hear us. I disagree. I know she heard me. I promised her I'd take care of her family. I'd watch over her mom, and her brother. See to it that her Daddy is okay. I promised I'd watch over her girls, stear them in the right direction - be there for them in places where their dads can't.
Yes, sometimes our lives change. Mine certainly has. Never will I look at the world in the same way.
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